Making Peace with the Past
by creativemee
Summary: Pearl is hurt in a confrontation with Jasper that goes deeper than anyone thinks, and she left to fight many challenges that she'd rather battle alone. But an unlikely comfort in the form of Lapis Lazuli, extends a helping hand, she won't let Pearl face the past or future alone. But only if Pearl is willing…
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: First REAL fanfiction written. Sorry if I suck at this, but please give a read. Tigger Warning, Dark Themes ahead, Read at own Caution. Relationship between female characters, don't like don't read. Constructive Feedback welcomed, but don't be rude, or mean-spirited criticizers will be blocked and comments will be deleted.**

Pearl was sitting at the shore in front of the temple. The air was calm, a nice breeze fluttered around her, but the ocean was turbulent, rough, it crashed onto the sand harshly, ~like my thoughts~ Pearl couldn't help but notice,. She knew should have been in the temple, that Steven would be worried, but instead she curled her knees into her chest leaning her head to rest in the cradle her long legs made and rested her arms around herself. She was too lost in thought to notice Lapis sit next the her.

"I know why you're here" she spoke quietly, settling next to her, trying not the startle Pearl though she jumped anyway

"Oh, Lapis, you startled me" Pearl said turning her head slightly to watch her, hands clenched to fist, she looked back out into the ocean, content to ignore Lapis' comment.

"I know that she hurt you"

"Who?" Pearl replied, feigning innocence in her voice

"Jasper" Lapis' sneer was clear in voice, she practically spit the name out.

Pearl visibly flinched at the name. Lapis quickly calmed herself when she saw Pearl's reaction, "I have no clue what you are referring too. There is nothing wrong with me, and the only thing that Jasper has done to hurt me is superficial and will heal" Pearl replied thickly.

Lapis scoffed, "you came back different after your trip to the Beta Kindergarten, I know you saw her there, I know you fought her and I know that she hurt you more than in that fight, I know…"

Pearl whirled to face her, growling through clenched teeth, "You don't know anything…" but she couldn't keep the tears from her voice when she saw Lapis normally disinterested face awash with sympathy, she turned back to the sea, watched the waves crash into each other, "Why do you even care, you would like it if I got hurt, that Jasper did something to me, that she hurt me, wouldn't you? Do you want someone to hurt like you, to feel trapped like you did, do you want someone to wallow in pain and misery with you? You want us to feel like you did in that mirror don't you?" she shook her head with a dry laugh, almost defeated, "I didn't know that you where in there Lapis, and I wish I had known that you were, I would have freed you myself, I never thought that Rose..." she choked over her name "that she would keep anyone trapped, not after..." she trailed off

"I know" Lapis whispered, so low that it seemed to get lost into the wind

"I remember you, you know, from White Diamonds court" she reached to put her hand on her shoulder to comfort her, Pearl jerked back before she could make contact, she stood quickly, with her arms crossed over her stomach and looked down at Lapis, "You know nothing, I don't know you, I was never in White Diamonds court, I never saw you, Jasper didn't hurt me so you. know. nothing" she spewed this venomously before whirling away and marching back up the beach, leaving Lapis at the shore, hand still raised in comfort.

She sighed, curled her hand back into her chest in protection, looking out into the ocean, the "I'm sorry" was whispered to the ocean, carried off on the breeze, never to reach its intended party.

* * *

Pearl stumbled up the beach, thoughts consuming her, most of her grace lost during her confrontation with Lapis. ~What could she possible know, she wasn't that high up in Blue Diamond's court, was she? Anyways that was over 7,000 years ago, long before the war, she couldn't possibly recognize me. Why would she seek me out? What does she know? I'll have to talk to her, ugh, I shouldn't have walked away. What if she tells Steven? What would she tell Steven? ~ She worried her bottom lip, ran her fingers through her hair, she turned to walk back down the beach to Lapis, but her feet faltered, she couldn't decide whether to flee or confront.

~I'll talk to Lapis later, after Steven is asleep.~ Resolute spun on her heel, her usual flair gone, up the beach to the Temple, in the little time she has to reach the house she tries to compose herself, tries to bottle everything back up, she knew that if Steven or the other gems saw her this way they would be worried. She didn't want to worry them further, she knew that they were already concerned due to her defeat from her earlier battle from Jasper, but… she shook her head ~If only they knew, maybe they could help.~ She shook her head again, trying to rid herself of the thought, ~No, I can't think about that, no one knows and it will say like that for as ever long I can get away with it.~ She rubbed her gem and made her way inside.

She saw the mess that Amethyst and Steven had made in her absence, she sighed in relief, for once appreciative of the untidiness the two could generate and began to pick up the mess off the floor. Gathering Stevens dirty laundry and began placing them in the laundry bag, cleaning the empty plates and trash littering around Stevens room, and placing the dirty dishes into the sink, she would do them after she started his load of laundry, she began to get lost in the miniscule task, taking her ways from her thoughts for the moment, she was grateful, but she knew the peace would not last…

*******************************************\

Lapis moved back from the upcoming tides on the sand, no matter how much the water was her home she was still wary of the ocean, and the memories that it held. She sighed in defeat, her gem glowing on her back and let her water wings manifest; she rose in the sky and flew lazily towards the barn that she shared with Peridot, for the moment she was in no hurry to return.

She looked down at the temple and sighed again, ~Why do I even care? Why do I still want to help her, she obviously doesn't need nor want my help~ she huffed and looked away, she didn't like the Pearl had thought that of her, that she would be happy that Jasper had hurt her, that's far from what she wanted. She didn't trust most of the Crystal Gems, her history with them was not as good as it could have been, but she knew in her gem that Pearl truly had nothing to do with trapping her, and she trusted Stevens word. But more than that she knew Pearl, she remembered her eyes, the bright cerulean how breathtaking they looked, the utter defeat they held, was something that going to be seared in her gem forever.

When Pearl came back from her mission she recognized her posture, how defeated her eyes looked even though she tried to be strong, and though she didn't exactly know or understand what Pearl went through, was going through, she had been in Jasper's mind, had seen how depraved she thought, how her thoughts were hell-bent on destroying and hurting Rose Quartz anyway she could.

She pondered ~Maybe I was too forward?~ Lapis frowned at the thought, landing on the top of the barn ~I mean she doesn't know me, she thinks I hate her, I do hate her…don't I?~ she grunted in frustration, ran her fingers through her hair, remarkably similar to another gem, ~I know that that Pearl was her, I would know her face anywhere, how awful and dead her eyes looked,~ she shuddered and wrapped her hands around her, gems didn't get cold, especially not her, but it did help ~I remember the whispers of the other gems, of how she was treated, how cruel White Diamond was...the rumors that went the courts about what she did to her~ she shook her head and looked to the Temple, ~I'll try again, I'll help, if she knows I know, that I understand what it feels like to be trapped, that I know how she feels maybe I could help, it would be like helping Steven, right?~ her mind made up, she made her way into the barn to watch more CPH with Peridot ~I'll make sure she knows I'm here, and maybe we'll both find some peace…~


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Instead of Pearl first meeting Jasper in the snow with Connie and Steven she first meets her in the Beta Kindergarten, kind of like the Earthlings episode but there are no corruptions yet, and she's alone.**

 **A/N: I'm really bad at action scenes…sorry. Potentially triggery. Angst. Implied nonconsensual actions between two gems, not detailed.**

 **Flashbacks are in** _ITALICS_

 **Enjoy**

* * *

She carefully inspected every inch of the house and Steven's room, made sure that Steven's folded clothes were away, that the house was spick and span, and no dirt had been spared. After, she made her way into her room in the Temple, sealing all entrances to her room, from both Amethyst and Garnet. She quickly made her way across the water instead of teleporting from the basin of water to the top of one of the largest fountains of water.

She felt tired, even though gems didn't need sleep, but she knew that in the months to come that she would need plenty of meditation and rest. She knew the signs, she understood what it meant - the aching in her gem, the inability to reform like she wanted to after her encounter with Jasper, her excessive cleaning that was much even for her, and her tiredness - she just didn't want to believe. ~First time in thousands of years and still by the hands of the same brutes~ she scoffed to herself. ~I'll never be free of Homeworld~ she wiped the few tears that managed to cascade down her face, coming to stop at one of the fountains she parted the water like a curtain and walked into what appear to be a bedroom of sorts.

The fountain of water gave the impression of ever moving walls, but made it so there was little light, and seated to the middle was a large and comfortable looking bed; that no one but herself, not even Rose, knew about. She grabbed the scarf that rested near the foot of the bed. It was something that Steven had left 'just in case' she got tired and wanted to sleep without projecting her dreams.

She placed it on, just in case Amethyst managed to get into her room, and find her. She crawled onto the bed and arranged herself into a nest of sorts and began to drift off to sleep, she knew that her dreams would be anything less than pleasant, but she knew she had to rest or she would be no good to the team when Garnet got back from her mission and Amethyst and Steven and Connie from Funland. ~at least no one will hear if I scream~ was her last thought before she drifted off completely.

 _She walked cautiously through Beta Kindergarten, ~I hate this place, and though it's not as dark as the one where Amethyst came from it's still bad.~ She already had her weapon drawn, she knew that Jasper was most likely not there, or Garnet wouldn't have sent her alone, but she always knew to never be too careful._

 _After walking for what seemed like hours Pearl was just about to turn back ~This Jasper recon mission is an utter failure, at least that will help Garnet narrow down the list further, but that leaves so many places left to look~ she pondered until she heard a noise. She walked in the direction, weapon raised and ready, and walked into a whole new portion of the Kindergarten ~I didn't know that it went back this far~ she looked around until she spotted Jasper digging out what appeared to be an exit point of another quartz soldier._

 _Pearl readied her weapon aiming at the massive oversized quartz solider, "Jasper, don't move."_

 _Jasper whipped her head, helmet at the ready, "oh it's just you, a pearl" she mocked with a dry chuckle, turning back to continue her task._

 _"_ _Are you here all alone, left by yourself by the abomination or the runt? Or did you lose your owner?" Jasper continued on taunting._

 _"_ _I AM my OWN gem; I'm not owned by anyone! Though you wouldn't know anything about that, you're so fixated on a Diamond Alliance that cares little about what happens to you!" Pearl huffed out a laugh, taunting the larger gem back "Seems odd doesn't it, that the diamond that your so_ _ **devoted**_ _to has left you here, hasn't tried to rescue you…"_

 _Jasper whirled to face her, pointing her large finger to her face from across the clearing. "YOU have no right to talk down to ME, you're a pearl, something that is made to look pretty and be used however your master deems fit. Is that why you stayed with Rose Quartz so long, did she give it better to you than your owner did?" Jasper interrupted her throwing her head back in a dark booming laugh, "I'll bet you cost quite a bit back on Homeworld," she sneered stalking closer._

 _Pearl circled around her, keeping distance between them, she was getting riled up, they both were, she hated when someone talked about how pearls where treated on Homeworld._

 _"_ _No matter how I was treated on Homeworld and what I was_ _ **worth**_ _…" She spits the word "…this is Earth and it's not where you belong and it's where I'm free and I'm not going to let some asinine quartz hurt it, or anyone on it, especially my family." From there she blasted Jasper with several energy-spheres from the tip of her spear._

 _Jasper stumbled back at the force of the blow, but that only seemed to make her angrier. Pearl knew that if there was going to be anyway to beat Jasper that she was going to have to take her surprise, and to stay as far away from her as possible until then._

 _Pearl blasted her with several more energy-spheres, more missed and hit Jaspers helmet than crucial parts of her form. Jasper with a surprising amount of agility and speed for someone of her size dodge the energy projectile, coming straight for Pearl, and even though Pearl elegantly twisted and twirled out of the path of her fist and spin-dashes she knew she was in trouble. ~I have to get out of here, I need to regroup and bring reinforcements.~_

 _Quickly looking for an escape route that the big brute couldn't get through, she knew that she needed to get out of there, that she was close to being caught._

 _The dance of battle continued until, Jasper grasped the foot that she had miscalculated in her placement when jumping over her reach. ~I'm in trouble~ was her last thought before saw the ground coming closer to her body. She instinctively shields her gem with her arms, losing her precious spear, which fell feet from where she landed, disappearing in a flash of light._

 _Pearl rolled several feet away, trying to get back to her feet, but before she could get her bearings Jaspers fist was impacting her stomach, the force driving her to the sandstone walls of the Beta Kindergarten._

 _Over and over Jasper struck her from all sides, until she knew that her defeat was imminent, curling into herself on her stomach unable to get up, she knew that Jasper could destroy her gem right here and she wouldn't be able to do anything._

 _Jasper strolled to her lazily, circling her prone figure, arrogant laughter bubbling from deep within her chest. She reached down and grasped Pearls shoulder, forcing her onto her back, looking down into her eyes, expecting to see defeat and surrender, instead was met with Pearls resolute and defiant gaze. Pearl growled up to her, showing no fear, "Do your worst, shatter me, I have lived a full life, more than any pearl. I've had my freedom; you can never take that from me. You nor Homeworld will win, regardless if I'm here or not…"_

 _Jasper chuckled, crouching down her eyes leering over Pearls body, "You certainly are defective, aren't you?" she stood once more and continued her lewd examination of Pearls body stopping when she reached Pearls head, "But so loyal… mmmm….no I'm not going to crush you, I'm not going to shatter you."_

 _Pearls eyes widen in surprise before taking on a cautious defiance, trying to understand what Jasper was thinking. Jasper grasped at her throat, pulling her put to face height, Pearl struggled to remove her hand, swinging her feet to gain some purchase, but she was several feet off the ground…_

 _"_ _No. I'll show you how a pearl is supposed to be treated." Jasper mocked in her ear, Pearl went stock still, and Jasper basked in the fear that she could feel radiating from Pearls body. "I'll make sure that you'll never be able to touch that traitor_ _ **Rose Quartz's**_ _ineffective form again without seeing my face, without feeling me." Jasper raised one meaty paw and placed it in on the fabricated pale blue tunic with the small yellow star, and ripped it off in one tug…_

"Aaaauuuugghhhh! NOOO! STOP, please don't!" Pearl bolted straight up in bed, disoriented and trembling, trying in vain to get free of something that wasn't there, clawing at her neck and chest, ripping her shirt and scratching herself in the process.

She struggled and screamed against the unseen foe before realizing that it was the tangle of bed sheets caught in-between her legs and arms. She finally collapses with heaving sobs, curling into herself, gulping in unnecessary air.

~I didn't think that it would get this bad, I didn't expect for this to happen. This has never happened before. I haven't had nightmares like this since the war. ~

Pearl twisted her fingers through her hair, trying to calm herself, she closed her eyes briefly, before they snapped back open abruptly with a gasp, she could help but see _her_ face every time she closed her eyes. She felt like she was hunting her, ~Why won't she go away. It's been over a week of this. It's not like this is new, like this hasn't happened before…~ She shook herself of the thought, not wanting to get sucked into deeper memories, tilting her head up to watch the top of the fountain.

~Why does it hurt so much? It hurts so much, because she took so much. I thought I was free of Homeworld.~ She curled her arms around her abdomen, mimicking a hug, trying to bring herself some comfort. ~It's not fair, why me?~ Fresh tears went unnoticed down her face ~I couldn't even fight her off, I've fought a thousand year war, battled corruptions and yet she still managed to do **that**. She treated me like I was nothing~ She wiped her eyes angrily, as she sat up on the bed, trying to calm herself. ~because I am nothing, _how a pearl is supposed to be treated_ ~

She shivered in distain ~Rose would be so disappointed in me. How am I supposed to protect the planet she **loved** if I can't even protect myself from one quartz soldier~ she made her way off the bed, she felt herself pacing, no matter how hard she tried she could not get her mind to stop racing. ~At least there's another reason to hate Kindergartens. I **hate** her, I'm going to find her and **shatter** her to pieces I'm going to…~ she stopped herself, she knew she shouldn't have been thinking like this. She never wanted to get anywhere near the gem again, even if she was shattered on the ground. She soothed a hand down her face ~It wasn't supposed to happen like this.~ With a sigh she slumped her shoulders and made her way out from under the fountain.

She knew that it was late outside of the temple, sure that Steven and the other Crystal Gems would be back from their various task and that if she didn't reveal herself, sooner or later one of them would come inquiring about her. She also knew that she still had to talk to Lapis, she dreaded the conversation, she just hoped that she could convince the other gem to not tell Steven and the other gems to spite her.

~Don't think about it now, I don't need any added stress.~

She wanted to appear as normal as possible, she knew sooner or later that she would have to tell them, it would put them in jeopardy if she couldn't do her duty right. But for now she wanted to ignore everything about her situation and act as naturally as possible.

But as she stepped out the temple doors…she found that it was going to be harder than she thought.


	3. Chapter 3

**Meanwhile outside of the temple…**

"I had so much fun at Funland, hahahaha, get it fun at Funland." Steven giggled to himself as he and Amethyst walked up the steps to the beach house, that Steven and the gems lived in, after dropping of Connie with her parents.

"yea, good one Stev-o." Amethyst muttered, not really finding Steven's pun funny.

"If you want funny, watch this." Amethyst shifted her form to look like Jasper, "I'm gonna scare Pearl when she comes out the temple, she's gonna turn so blue...and get so scared and so angry, it's gonna be high-larious."

"I don't think she's gonna like that Amethyst." Steven said, scratching his head in thought.

"That's the point Steven, ugh, it's not for her enjoyment, it's for ours. She's like gonna walk out the door or something and I'm gonna pop out and scare her. I wonder how high she's gonna squawk?" She mentally patted herself on the back of how good her plan was.

"How do you even know that she's in there, she could be at the laundry or in town." Steven tried to think of a way to discourage Amethyst at being funny. He knew from experience Amethyst pranks on Pearl that all it was going to end in argument between the pale and purple gems, and he hated it when they fought.

Amethyst hummed to herself in thought, stopping just before they could be seen by anyone that might be in the house, she peeked inside but didn't see anyone. "Good point Stev-o, but we know she's not in town or we would have seen her, and she's not at the laundry because she would've called to us by now, so she has to be inside the Temple. But good try, you still make an excellent sidekick." Ruffling Steven's hair, "Now how bout you sit at the window and signal me when she comes out. Then I'll bust in the door and see how high she screeches and then we'll time how long she lectures us. This is gonna be epic!"

Amethyst pushed Steven the rest of the way, and reluctantly Steven made his way into the house, onto the window seat and waited for Pearl. ~I hope she takes a long time, and then Amethyst will get bored and stop.~ But as soon as the thought crosses his mind Pearl stepped out of the temple doors.

Steven noticed that Pearl seemed lost in thought, and he really didn't want to but gave the signal to Amethyst nonetheless ~I hope this doesn't go as bad as I think it will.~

Pearl was still pulling herself together, trying to plaster on a genuine smile that would pass Garnet and Steven's inspection, that she didn't even notice Steven or anything amiss until the screen door to the house slammed open.

Pearl head snapped up only to stumbled to a stop when she recognized Jaspers looming silhouette in the doorway. She stared, scared stiff, unable to even summon her weapon, for what felt like minutes but could have only a few milliseconds. Her unneeded breath stuck in her chest, until it was released in a wail that was so frightened that it made Steven hair stand on end, making him clamp his hands over his ears; and startle Amethyst so bad that it caused her to lose her concentration on keeping Jaspers form.

Pearl stumbled back into her room in the Temple, and as the doors slide closed, she sunk to her knees, but not before seeing the Faux-Jasper shrink into a noticeably smaller and more familiar quartz.

~This is not going to turn out well.~ As she let herself cry again.

*****************************/

There was silence in the house. Not a sound but the hum of the refrigerator, Steven's hands were still placed firmly over his ears and Amethyst was still positioned in the doorway. Neither moved until Garnet's form warped in on the warp pad, a corrupted gem encased in her bubble, with a tap of her finger she sent it to the Boiling Room with the rest of the gems.

She noticed the silence of the two gems, but said nothing, waiting for them to speak like she knew they would.

Steven was the first to break out of his reprieve, scurrying off the window seat to run to Garnet, "There's something wrong with Pearl!"

"I am aware." But Garnet's reply wasn't heard by Steven. He was frantically trying explain what had happened, even though it wasn't necessary, Garnet had already seen what happened.

"A…A…Amethyst was playing a harmless prank on Pearl; it was supposed to hurt her! She was just gonna jump out and look and growl like Jasper and it was just supposed to scare Pearl a little…j-just a little and then they were gonna argue and I would step in and help them make up and y-you would come it and everybody would fall in line…and…and I-I would ask you about the cool new gem you captured. But that didn't happen…and…and Pearl looked so scared and she didn't even know I was there when she came out, and she was wearing the fake smile that I don't like, she's been wearing that a lot since she ran into Jasper. And I really didn't want to do the prank but I thought that maybe it would get things back to normal but her scream…it was so loud and…and terrified, I've never heard her sound like that, it hurt me ears and my heart. And it looked like she had been crying and…and…and…" Steven was in tears at this point, sobbing out, he was so sad that he had been one to help hurt Pearl.

Amethyst just ducked her head and watched her scraped her boot against the well-worn wooden floors. She knew she was in the wrong, she knew that Garnet would give her the 'act like a good role-model' lecture, of how she 'wasn't being a Crystal Gem'. But she just wanted Pearl back to normal, she didn't nag her about her messes anymore, or about how letting Steven consume to much junk food was bad for Steven's fragile human body and it would cause blah, blah, blah.

She crossed her arms over her chest waiting to hear the lecture but was surprised when nothing of the sort came from Garnet. She looked towards Steven only to see him in Garnet's embrace. Garnet was crouched low to look Steven in the eye and wipe away his tears, she looked to Amethyst too.

"The error does not fall to either of you." Garnet said, trying to sooth them both. She knew of the turmoil in the house, the tension between the gems. She also knew that no matter what happened, the future didn't hold many good scenarios for all parties, especially Pearl.

Both Steven and Amethyst gapped at Garnet, looking for an explanation.

"We are not aware of what Pearl is going through that present moment. We do know that it is centered around her encounter with Jasper, and that goes far beyond what she was explained to us. For the moment all we can do is offer comfort by our presences alone and wait until she comes to us."

With that Garnet wiped the last bit of tears from Steven's eyes, soothed her hand over Amethyst head and stood. "She will not be back out until much later this evening, I suggest that you two allow her some reprieve and not ask too many questions of her."

She walked away towards the Temple but paused and turned to look at them two gems still standing in the middle of the living room.

"She will be okay." She assured them both, but turning back to the Temple it was not an assurance that she felt would be true for a long time.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Pearl seeking out Lapis to pick up where they left off. Picks up hours after Amethyst and Steven talk with Garnet.**

 **Enjoy**

Pearl knocked on the barn door, sure that the two gems inside would be able to hear her. She was hoping that Lapis would answer the door, but she got Peridot instead.

Peridot peered up at the taller gem in confusion, she looked behind her but didn't see Steven or the other crystal gems behind her. "Pearl."

Pearl cleared her throat, "Peridot." Fidgeting with her fingers in nervousness under Peridot's scrutiny.

"What can I do for you? Have you come to see the great and lovable Peridot's new amazing metal powers?"

"Um no, I haven't Peridot."

"Then you have you come to see the amazing meep morphs that me and Lapis Lazuli have created." Peridot tapped her chin in thought, "um, I do not believe that Lazuli has made any new ones since our last exhibition. I do have some of my own, though they are not completely ready and I have not shown them to anyone…I didn't really want to until they were in their complete gloriousness but if you…"

"No, no that's fine Peridot. I didn't come to see the meep morphs, I wouldn't want to show me until you are sure it is ready." Pearl waved her hands in front of her, trying to placate Peridot.

"If it is not to see the meep morphs or my fantastic metal skills why are you here?"

"I-I…um I was wondering if…if Lapis was here?"

"Lazuli?!" The green gem exclaimed, partly in disbelief and partly in outrage. She was sure that most came to visit wanted to talk to her, seeing as the blue gem wasn't very friendly with anyone but Steven…and herself, of course.

"Yes. We…we had somethings to discuss." Pearls fidgeting had gotten worse. She just wanted to talk to the water gem, find out what the other gem knew and assure herself that the other gem wouldn't tell anything to Steven.

"Ooookkkaaayyy." Peridot said, stepping back into the barn holding the door open for Pearl, turning to look for her barn mate.

Pearl slipped through the door, letting it fall close behind, though she didn't move from there, deciding to say by the door just in case she needed to make a quick escape.

"Lapis! Lapis!" Peridot yelled up to the upper level of the barn, "Pearl is here!"

Lapis was sitting on the couch, her head was resting on her knees, contemplating on what she was going to do in regards to Pearl. She was content to ignore the small green gem calls until she heard the name of the gem her mind was so wrapped up about.

She popped up quickly. ~Pearl? Pearl's here? Why?~ Appearing on the second floor of the barn, and found that indeed Peridot was correct, that Pearl was there, looking as though she was seconds away from bolting from the barn.

She quickly floated her way down to the ground floor with the help of her water wings. She didn't want Pearl to leave. ~Maybe she wants to talk? It doesn't matter anyway, I want to help. I shouldn't look a gifted horse in the mouth, right, isn't that what Steven would say?~

"Pearl." She tried to keep her composer, tried not to appear overexcited from her presence, she wanted to sooth her, not scare her.

Pearl jumped anyway, she seemed to come out of a trance, she seemed surprised that Lapis was in front of her. ~Ugh, I've got to stop doing that around her, I cannot continue to be distracted with others around.~

"L-Lapis. Um hi, I wanted to know if you wanted to talk? I wanted to apologize about how I acted earlier…" Pearl murmured, averting her eyes.

"Oh, no. No, I mean yes. Yes!" Lapis stammered back, ~You sound stupid, stop talking Lapis.~

Lapis blew out a breath, calming herself. "Yes. I would like to talk with you if that's okay. Maybe we could go somewhere else." Glancing a look at Peridot, who was failing at being inconspicuous.

Pearl nodded her head, she had forgotten that Peridot was still in the barn. ~I need to compose myself, how am I going to go on missions if I can't pay attention to my surroundings? I need to remain alert, Garnet and Amethyst and Steven are already worried, more now my earlier meltdown…~

By then Pearl had realized that she was outside of the barn, that she had followed Lapis out without thought or comprehension. She didn't even know how long they had been walking ~Ugh, didn't I just say I needed to pay attention!~

Pearl cleared her throat, "Thank you for meeting with me Lapis. I appreciate it, I know that it is late in the evening, but I didn't feel as if it was within my best interest to reach out to you until I had time to think."

"You mean so that you could sneak out of the house without Steven asking where you were going?" Lapis deadpanned, she wasn't going to allow Pearl to make up excuses. She didn't care about her reasons, she just wanted Pearl to talk to her.

Pearl blushed but didn't correct the blue gem.

Lapis sighed internally. She knew she had to tread carefully, she didn't want to upset Pearl. She just wasn't use to extending the olive branch, but she felt a deep pull with herself to help the pale gem. As she had wanted to do all those centuries ago, and the need hadn't stopped when she was placed in the mirror; or when she was stuck at the bottom of the sea all those months with Jasper as Malachite. Her need to help Pearl was just a strong a pull as to protect Steven.

"Why didn't you ever talk to me when you were trapped in the mirror?" Pearls question was abrupt and not something that Lapis expected, it startled her badly enough that she stopped walking. Standing still in the farm land that extended in front of the barn, she stalled for time, trying to come up with a response.

She knew that she just couldn't ask Pearl to talk to her and expect her to open up. She knew that she had to tell her if she wanted the other gem to confide in her, so that she could maybe help her. ~Maybe we can both get something out of this, maybe helping her, talking to her will help. I've been alone for so long, and so has she.~

"Because you needed me…" Lapis let the confession sit open-ended, she sat down in the open field, leaving Pearl standing. She watched the stars, remember her journeys through space, of how free she was then.

Pearl glanced down at Lapis, eyes wide. "I needed you?"

"I remember every one of our talks Pearl. I remember everything you asked me to show you, everything you said to me."

Pearl released a breath and seemed to sag next Lapis. She had hoped that Lapis didn't remember, she didn't even want to remember anything. "Everything?"

Lapis nodded but knew that Pearl wasn't staring at her, so she continued.

"Everything. All of your conversations to me. I wanted to tell you I was there at first, I wanted you to let me out. I was angry in the beginning, I thought that you knew I was in there and I was so mad that you had the audacity to even ask me anything after you trapped me in there. I thought you were heartless."

Lapis clenched her fingers together, thinking about the dark beginning centuries. She glanced to see Pearl crying into her hand, but she knew that she had to tell her everything.

"And then you asked me to show you White Diamond, and former pearl. Then I recognized you it in your eyes, I knew I knew you from somewhere but it wasn't until you asked me that question that I remembered, that I realized who you were. Then I was okay."

She let her eyes turn to look at Pearl and smiled slightly, though she was sure the Pearl couldn't see it.

"You would talk to me, about what you had been going through, about the gems that you missed every day. About how **amazing** Rose Quartz was. How you needed her, how much wanting her and loving her was a part of you, how much it hurt you. How unworthy you and inadequate you felt in her presence. How you felt that you'd rather love her and she didn't love you back, than to be where you were. About how she was the first quartz to show you kindness, the first gem that didn't hurt you."

Lapis looked up at the stars, thinking back to how she felt all those years ago.

"I felt like maybe I was helping you, like I wanted to all those centuries ago and I was okay with that, okay being stuck if it meant that I could help, that I could encourage you, even if you didn't know it was me."

Lapis felt her form shutter, she hated think about what followed, hated remembering the bleak emptiness.

"And then you just abandoned me, kept me in your gem as if I was nothing, and I was just left in there, forgotten. I wallowed in the loneliness and despair and it consumed me, I wanted someone to blame, and I used you. Then when Steven talked to me I felt like there was hope again, and then he let me out and I saw you, happy and content, I was just so envious; that you found happiness while I was stuck. That you found it without me. I just wanted peace too." She let a few tears fall from her eyes, she felt so much better, relieved, like a weight had been lifted from her chest. Talking about it helped so much, she was tired of letting the pain devour her.

"I'm sorry." Pearl sobbed out into her hands.

"What!" She yelped turning to face Pearl, "No, no I don't blame you." Lapis spoke soothingly, wiping at her eyes. She hated that she caused Pearl so much distress.

"You should! I kept you trapped in there, I forgot about you!" Pearl grasped her hair, "If I just asked Rose, maybe…maybe I could have let you out? How could she do that to you, how could she **let** me do that to you? She **knew** what I went through, I told her! How could she still do that to you? Why wouldn't anyone else tell me? Why would she use me like that?" Pearl raved, angry at herself and at her fellow Crystal Gems, she felt so betrayed.

"I don't know Pearl. I can't tell you that. I do know that she cared about you, she wouldn't risk a revolution, of being capture or shattering, to get you out of White Diamonds court if she didn't. I wish I had the courage, but I don't think you even knew I was there. Maybe she wanted to protect you. You're so good Pearl, maybe she just didn't want you to see the real horrors of the war."

Pearl scoffed wiping her eyes, she was so tired of crying, "I lived in horror, I experienced it from the moment I was created. Every day of my existence in White Diamonds court."

Pearl and Lapis fell silent, only the occasional sniffle breaking through.

~We always have silences like this. How did we get to talking about me? I wanted to help Pearl, maybe I'm just too selfish. I just wish she'd talk to me. Jasper's thoughts weigh on me every day; I hope that she didn't so anything that she schemed as Malachite. I would feel so guilty if she hurt her and I could have helped.~

"I remember you. You know?" Pearl commented.

Lapis head twisted sharply to face her, she found herself looking into Pearls deep arctic blue eyes.

"You came often, a messenger for Blue Diamond; to give White Diamond reports. When the Galaxy Warps weren't running. Or if it was something private, that was for her eyes only and she didn't trust another to send it."

Lapis nodded her head, she didn't think that Pearl would recognized her at all. She was sure that she was just another passing face for the elite pearl.

"I remembered every face that came into White Diamonds Court, especially the ones that showed me kindness. You were one of the only ones that didn't look at me with pity or revulsion or envy or lust; or the ones that just didn't see me at all. You looked at me and I felt hope, that there were other gems out there that did not want to hurt me. That there were gems that didn't want to use me for their gratification, to exploit me. Your eyes got me through some of the darkest times."

Pearl looked back out into the open sky, tears streaming endlessly from her eyes. ~It was so much easier to see the stars from here than from the beach, no wonder Lapis likes it better up here.~

"But that was a long time ago Lapis, and no matter if we don't age, we do change. I've tried everything I can to get away from that part of my life and while you helped me then I don't think you can help me with this."

Lapis nodded to herself, despondent. ~Why won't she just let me help her! She doesn't have to be so strong, leaning on others doesn't make you weak.~

"I understand that you don't trust me, I know that you don't believe that I'm being sincere. But I've sent so long alone, spent so much time brewing in pain and anger, and I'm tired of it. I want to help you because I want to help myself, Pearl. Helping you might make me feel less like the monster I became when I was Malachite. I want to help because I think that you're the only one that understands, because I know what you're going through, and I know you know that! We both deserve happiness after what we've been through." After Lapis said her piece she stood, ready to fly off and leave Pearl there alone.

"Wait!" Pearl choked out beseechingly, reaching out a hand to Lapis but letting it fall before it made contact, tugging it back into her body. She hadn't touched anyone since her encounter with Jasper and she didn't think she could start now.

"Please just, just I'm sorry. I'm not ready. I…I…I can't, not now. Please just don't tell Steven. Whatever it is you think you know, please don't tell him. I'll do anything, just don't tell him anything, please…I." Her voice broke off; she couldn't keep going, grasping for breath that she didn't need. ~Is this what drowning feels like?~

Lapis sighed, "I'm not going to tell Steven. I promise you. I just want to be here for you Pearl, when you're ready. Whether you say you need it or not." With that said Lapis took off into the sky back towards the barn. Leaving Pearl to watch the stars alone.


	5. Chapter 5

**Time jump 2 weeks after last chapter.**

 **WARNING: Talk about non-consensual sexual abuse. Implied intentional miscarriages and forced pregnancies.**

* * *

They kept making eye contact from across the room. Lapis wasn't really comfortable being inside the house, she still didn't fully trust the rest of the Crystal Gems; though it was getting better. But she wanted to be near Steven…and Pearl, so she would endure.

~She looks so tired. Why hasn't anyone else noticed?~

Pearl was trying to busy herself to avoid Lapis, washing dishes so much that she could see her reflection. ~I look so tired.~ She just wanted to escape into the temple and sleep but knew that it would raise suspicions, and tension. ~It's not like I can rest anyway. The nightmares are getting so bad; it just seems to better not to sleep at all.~

No one had said a word about her outburst over the Faux-Jasper ordeal; Or her behavior in general. Instead, Garnet was going on more solo mission; both Amethyst and Steven were being more considerate about their messes and cleaning up after themselves. Lapis was keeping her distance, like she asked and even Peridot had picked up on the tension in the Temple and avoided it, and everyone in it, at all cost.

There was an elephant in the room and no one was willing to poke it. To talk to her, and Pearl was close to breaking down. She wanted to confide in someone, in _her_ , she was just afraid to take the leap. ~It's getting so hard to keep everything inside.~ Pearl sighed and kept cleaning.

~Amethyst won't understand; Garnet is going blame herself. Greg nor Peridot are even close to options; Connie is much too young, and I don't to be seen as less than in front of her, even if I am. Oh, Steven is so sensitive, and I just couldn't take the disappointment that he would have when he finds out just how weak I am.~

The house stayed quiet, except for the television and Steven's commentary, tensions high. Pearl kept cleaning and Lapis played with Steven but kept an eye out for Pearl.

Lapis was sitting on the couch, Steven had gone to sleep not long ago. Pearl was still in the kitchen puttering around, Lapis thought she was stalling, but she knew not to push the pale pearl. She stood and began to leave, but Pearl turning to face her made her stop.

Pearl fidgeted with her fingers, she took a breath of courage and hesitantly raised eyes to Lapis, "Would you mind if we talked?"

Lapis nodded her head and followed Pearl out of the door.

Pearl's voice soft, "Do you mind if maybe we walked? I need to get away from the house and I don't really want to have this conversation here."

Lapis nodded again, staying quiet, following Pearl's lead.

As they walked up to the lighthouse, tension filled the air between them. Pearl watched her hands, and Lapis watched her. ~She seems so lost; I wish I could just hold her.~

Pearl made her way to the fence that was fitted to the cliff, looking out over the beach. She could feel Lapis close by, her presence was a comfort.

"Jasper hurt me."

Lapis nodded, she knew that. She had her suspicions about what had exactly happened, in the exchange. But she needed them confirmed.

"It hurt so bad Lapis."

Pearl turned away from the fence, sliding down it to wrap her arms around her long legs. Lapis followed suit, offering her silence and her comfort. ~Maybe she won't find be flawed, maybe she won't think it's my fault. I fought as hard as I could. Maybe she won't look at me in disgust like I do.~

"And it wasn't something I wanted. I promise, and then she just left me there. She just…just used me a…and she left!"

Lapis wheezed, her chest tight, she squeezed her eyes shut ~Oh Gems, not that! Please don't be what I think it is!~

Pearl moaned, curling more into herself. "It hurt so much. It's never hurt like that before."

Lapis swallowed hard, "Pearl, please tell me." She needed to hear Pearl say it, she needed her to…

"She raped me!" Pearl wailed into her knees, her hands grasping at her hair; pulling.

Lapis felt like her world was collapsing, like her gem was cracking. ~No! Why would Jasper do something like that, and to Pearl of all gems?!~

"It's not fair. I don't understand why this keeps happening to me! Is there something wrong with me? Why do they always want to hurt me? I just wanted to be free, I just wanted to be happy. She had no right, she had no right! I wanted to do this with someone who I loved and they loved me. It feels like I never left Homeworld, another quartz because they said so, another set of brood because it's all I'm good for."

Pearl started rocking herself back and forth without thought, weeping into her knees; to consumed to notice anything but her guilt and grief.

"Of course it isn't!" Lapis let one of her hands grasp onto Pearl's, surprised that Pearl had let her. She used her other hand to gently cupped Pearl's face, raising Pearls eyes to her own, though Pearl's eyes were firmly shut.

Pearl was too afraid to look, she didn't want to see blame and hatred that she felt she would see in Lapis eyes. Not the eyes that given her hope with a glance, all those centuries years ago in White Diamonds court. ~I would shatter if she finds me disgusting.~

"No matter what you were _made_ for, no matter if _they_ say it's all you're good for, **no one** has the right to do that to you. And it's **not your fault**."

Pearl eyes snapped open, crying harder to see nothing but hurt for her, tenderness and acceptance in Lapis' gaze. She launched herself at Lapis letting herself be held for the first time since Jaspers attack. ~Thank you.~

Pearl startled awake from nightmare. Pushing and scrambling away from Lapis' body, Lapis let her go.

"It's okay, it's okay." Lapis soothed.

When she was that Pearl was becoming calmer she continued, "You're in the barn, I brought you back after our talk last night. I didn't think you would like sleep against the fence, and I didn't think that you wanted me to leave you on the couch in the house, seeing as I can't get into the temple."

Pearl nodded her thanks; clearing her throat, "Where's Peridot?" Her voice was still hoarse crying.

"She left, she went to do something with Amethyst and Steven." Lapis' voice was calm and tranquil.

"D-Did she know I was here?"

"No. This is my part of the barn. She knows not to come in here."

Pearl sighed in relief, then quickly reached her hand to her gem. Lapis was quick to reassure her. "I didn't see anything, I promise. You stayed against me most of the night, so I couldn't see anything."

Pearl blushed but nodded her head. She remembered last night and started to cry, Lapis was startled but she understood just how emotional a time like this was for Pearl.

She couldn't take hearing her cry, so Lapis wrapped her arms around the pale gem, she knew that Pearl was overthinking, knew that she was hurting deeply. It upset her to see Pearl in so much pain. Physically, she could maybe help, but Pearls scars where emotional, open wounds left to fester after all these centuries. She didn't know how she could help but she knew she wanted to try. She remembered how it felt when Steven had hugged her, how comforting the embrace felt and knew she could do the same for Pearl.

Distractedly, she soothed Pearl hair against her temple, stroking her gem. ~I have to help her, I don't know how, but I never want to see that look in her eye again, she deserves to smile.~ She didn't know how long they were there, she didn't care, time mattered little to beings like her. She felt content to just hold Pearl, even if it had to last forever.

Lapis let her head rest on Pearl's, they had been laying like this for what she assumed was most of the day. She was happy that Pearl felt comfortable enough to lay in her embrace, had felt comfortable enough for her to sleep next to her.

She knew that the other gem had awaken long ago, could feel it when Pearl's grip tightened against her waist. She had so many questions to ask, she didn't understand all that had happened last night and she needed answers if she was going to support Pearl.

She pulled back, she could feel Pearl her hands around her even more, but she knew that they had to continue their talk. She nudged a finger under Pearls chin, tilting her head to make the pale pearl look at her, then ran her fingers through her hair. She felt Pearl relax into her.

"Pearl last night you said something about a brood. What did you mean?" she asked hesitantly.  
Pearl sighed, resigned. "I'm carrying…" ~This is it Pearl. This is where she's going to hate you, where she tells you to leave. It's not enough to let yourself get raped Pearl. You have to get pregnant too!~

"That's not supposed to be possible." The sheer confusion and disbelief in Lapis' tone almost made Pearl laugh genuinely.

"Well the proof is here…" Stopping her gem from shapeshifting her body so that the small protuberance that had formed from her midsection could be felt against Lapis. She sat up, and Lapis let her go. Pearl didn't want the other gem to have to feel it more than she had to. ~She must be so disgusted.~

Instead, Lapis knelt behind her wrapping her arms around the taller gem, hesitantly placing her hands on Pearl's extended belly. As if she was trying to see if it was really there or her imagination, she hurt to know that Pearl had to have a reminder of her encounter with Jasper, but she was also in awe. ~I didn't know that gems could still do this.~

Pearl tensed, flinching away and closing her eyes. Lapis went to move away, feeling like she had overstepped a boundary, but Pearl clasped her hands over hers, holding her there. ~I've never had someone hold me like this. Is this how it's supposed to feel?~  
Pearl shook her head and laughed, "Guess I'm even more defective than what we first thought," her laughter was fake and painful. Even though it had only been 4 weeks since her encounter with Jasper, Lapis felt that the swelling was more noticeable and tangent because of Pearl's small figure.

"I knew the moment it happened. I was in so much pain and I couldn't reform, and I knew."

"Why wouldn't you, between the fight and…what happened…after why wouldn't you reform, why didn't you just get rid of them?"

Pearl pulled away, turning to face the water gem, rising up so that her knees where tucked under her body, but she didn't look at Lapis.  
"I didn't say that I wouldn't reform. I would have; after I gotten somewhere safe, but I knew that I couldn't."

Lapis was confused. ~She couldn't reform? Why?~

Pearl knew that Lapis needed more information, that she wouldn't understand. She really didn't want to explain everything about her life before the Crystal Gems, about her life on Homeworld.

Pearl sighed but continued.

"I don't know what White Diamond did when she had me created, but my form will not retreat into my gem when I'm carrying." She distractedly rubbed her hand over her stomach, Lapis sure that Pearl didn't even knew that she was doing it. "I didn't exist then, but all of White Diamonds previous pearls had the ability to carry. However, they would hurt themselves until they had no choice to retreat and loose the geodes."

"That's how it was supposed to be, if a gem is injured enough, her physical form is meant to destabilize, then it would need all the energy it could to keep that rebuild that form, so they would lose the geodes, because they take up so much energy, that is needed in the reformation. But White Diamond found out and had them crushed, she made new one after new one until she made it so her pearl couldn't lose them. She got me…aren't I lucky?" she let out a dry chuckle, "I knew after it happened with Jasper that even if I wanted to miscarry, I couldn't. I don't know why, I don't know how, but I can't. Stars knows I've tried." Pearl looked down at her stomach, startled by her long fingers placed on her belly, she removed her hand and clenched it into a fist at her side.

"But, this is what I was made for, (gesturing to her body), this is was why I was created, this is why they didn't have me crushed when they saw I was **defective** …" Pearl hissed, tapping her gem, "I make good geodes, I was made for her gratification, for her needs and wants. I was made to be used and hurt and to carry geodes. Don't tell me you didn't know; you were in Blue Diamonds court."

Pearl's voice dropped off into a moan of pain, swallowing hard to keep the tears at bay. Though it failed, tears where streaming down her cheeks in rivers, falling down into her lap.

Pearls cries steadily got louder, she brought hand to her mouth, trying in vain to trap the onslaught of emotions pouring through her. She had never talked about this to anyone but Rose and she wasn't there anymore. She felt as if she were being broken.  
Her self-hate, her shame of what she was, of being nothing more than a toy to Homeworld; consumed her. ~I was fooling myself to even think that I am worth something more than to be used by monsters like Jasper, that I'm better than just a pretty trophy.~

"But why would she care if her Pearls could produce?" Lapis knew, she heard the gossip of what White did to her pearls, she just never believed it, didn't understand it.

Pearl looked up at Lapis incredulously, "So she could breed them, Lapis. There are gems that kindergartens nor factories could produce, not in mass production, at least not with the gems being correct. At least back when I was there. White Diamond wanted those, she didn't want common. She wanted to be better than the other Diamonds, to be revered and worshiped by the lowers about how amazing and mysterious she was."

Lapis nodded her head, she knew, she had heard the rumors and whispers of awe about White Diamond. The most elusive Diamond; how lucky one would be to in her presence, let alone in her court. Lapis never cared for it, she was a messenger, she knew all of the Diamonds, and while White was elegant and graceful, she was icy and cruel. She knew that most in her court either walked in fear, or were just as cruel.

"I knew the rumors, heard of her cruelty. About how she had some of the rarest gems, some speculated, gossiped about how she did it, some implied that she bred her court, how if they couldn't produce they were crushed. But no one was able to be able to do it, that it was taken from our gems, I knew enough of the higher court and what they did, to each other and their pearls and I never once heard one could carry. I thought that it was a myth, that they were lying. And even if She still did it, she was Diamond, no one went against them. Not without being broken."

Pearls thoughts were so jumbled and disoriented that she felt as if she was going of kilter, too lost in thought, to wrapped in her past, that she didn't even hear Lapis' explanation. She never wanted to be in that place again, never feel that way again. ~Yet here I am, in the same situation. Still too weak to fight, just a pearl to use and breed and discard until the next time.~

She seemed to forget that Lapis was still there until the blue gem wrapped her arms around her. She stiffened in the embrace, but relaxed when the gem did nothing but hug her. Pearl wrapped her arms tightly around the embrace, soaking in the security that the other gem was giving. She couldn't remember the last time she felt so safe in someone else's arms.

"I'm so sorry that any of that happened to you, Pearl. I'm sorry that Jasper hurt you and I'm so sorry that they did that too you back then. I'm sorry that I didn't protect you back then, like I wanted. But I want to be here for you, if you'll let me?"

Pearl stiffened, but eventually nodded her head, squeezing tighter against the blue gem, sinking herself back into Lapis seeking the comfort she so readily offered.


	6. Chapter 6

Days later found Pearl and Lapis in the barn. Pearl was curled onto her side facing Lapis, the only thing touching was Pearl's hand grasping hers.

Lapis noticed that the other gem seemed more tired than she had the previous days. She also noticed that the pale pearl was once again hiding her stomach.

She knew that Pearl was emotionally exhausted after their conversation days earlier and didn't want to push the fragile pearl. She knew that they still had a lot of bumps a head of them, and she didn't think it was necessary to overwhelm the gem.  
"Why don't you like to be in the Temple? If you don't mind me asking?"

Pearl smiled at the water gem, though it was strained and weary. "I don't have a problem being in the Temple. But the others would become concerned. They're all so worried about my mental state. I haven't been on a mission since _her_ , and I haven't even tried to convince Garnet otherwise, I don't nag or yell at Steven and Amethyst for making a mess, I no longer teach Connie as much. If I just spent the whole day in my room, it would cause a panic, even more than it already has, they don't need any more reason to stress over me."

Lapis nodded her head in empathy. ~She so selfless, after everything she's been through how can she think more about others than herself.~

"Anyway Lapis, my room is full of water. I also know how uncomfortable you are around the other gem. I didn't want to inconvenience you more than I already have."

Lapis sat up, Pearl rose as well, looking into Lapis' eyes, trying to see what she had done to make the smaller gem pull away from her. She didn't think that her words would cause offence. ~Good job Pearl, anger the only gem that knows and cares.~

Lapis slowly reached her hand to cup at Pearls face, she knew that Pearl was still wary of contact, she mainly let Pearl initiate it, or asked permission. She didn't want to overstep the pale gems boundaries like she had the other day. Even if it had felt amazing.

"Pearl you are not an inconvenience, I want to help you, I want to support you. I wouldn't be here if I didn't want to."

Pearl started to tear up, but hastily swiped her eyes, and nodded her head. ~I don't think I've cried this much in my entire existence.~

"But thank you, for considering my issues with water. Anyways I'm getting better with the other gems, you and Steven have both helped with that, I want to put the past behind me. I can't do that if I still hold on to old grudges." Lapis smiled gently at Pearl, before guiding them both down onto the mattress that she had found in the barn for Pearl to lay on.

She hoped that maybe she could get the other gem to sleep before she returned to the Temple.

********************************/

Lapis smiled at Pearl a few nights later, as she watched the pale gem yawn as she tucked Steven in. The boy had spent a long day at Funland with Connie and Amethyst.

~She's amazing.~ Lapis startled, ~Amazing! No, this is Pearl. Pearl who just went through something horrific at the hands of a brute that you basically sent here to hurt them. you can think she's amazing, even if she is. _Stop it Lapis!_ Just help her, it's not about **you** , it's about **her** , she deserves someone to be there for her, not to use her and…~ Lapis' internal tirade was interrupted when she felt a hand on hers.

"Lapis, are you okay?" Pearl hesitantly touched the water gems hand, ~I hope there's nothing wrong with her. If there is maybe I can help. After all she's done, listening to me, it's the least I can do.~

Lapis startled, she hadn't realized that the pale gem had made her way down to her. Raising her eyes to look into the concern face of the other gem. ~Good job, Lapis you worried her!~

She blushed and cleared her throat, "Sorry, I'm fine. It just I was thinking, um thinking that m…maybe we can stay at the Temple tonight, Peridot's building meep morphs today in the and it's pretty loud."

Pearl nodded, still concerned, "Only if you're sure Lapis." ~Maybe she's just worried about the water. It can't be easy for her.~

Lapis nodded her head quickly, squeezing Pearl's hand gently, "I'll be fine. I promise."

"Okay, but if we need to leave, please let me know. I don't want to force you into anything."

Pearl gripped tightly at the hand in hers, "I know Pearl," Lapis gently rubbed her hand against the pale gems long fingers.

Pearl lead Lapis hesitantly to the Temple door, the gem on her forehead activating the gem on the door, opening the door to reveal the water filled room inside. Lapis hesitated at the entrance, Pearl watched on with silent concern, ~Here goes nothing.~

Lapis heard the soothing instrumental music, saw the endless looking water falls as they stood on the walkway before the giant pool of water, and looked on in awe.

She didn't feel as panicked in here as she did with other pools of water, especially the ocean, it felt like she was in Pearl, wrapped in her soothing personality. It embodied everything that she thought of the tall gem ~Clean, soothing, graceful, and never-ending depths. Just like Pearl.~

"It's really peaceful in here. I can see why you like it." She finally said, turning to face the pale gem that looked on in apprehension, Pearl blushed and replied with a 'thank you' before leading Lapis onto the water.

Lapis followed, still a little uneasy, Pearl lead her to her fountain that help her 'bedroom', before releasing her hand.

"No one ever been in here before." Pearl blushed again before parting the water and leading the blue gem inside.

Lapis looked around, "You have a bed."

Pearl nodded. Lapis was confused, "But you said that you didn't know how to sleep before Steven taught you. So why do you have it?"

Pearl blushed fiercely before looking away, "Humans use it for other means, and some gems on Homeworld have something similar. For both it's mainly used for recreational purposes if not sleeping."

It finally dawned on Lapis what Pearl was referring to and her blush was equally as fierce, she cleared her throat to combat the awkward silence that had fallen over the two, "But you haven't used it for um…"  
Pearl's blush, if possible got even more severe, before interrupting Lapis loudly, "No, no! I never had anyone to, um with. I…I use it mainly for trying to sleep and meditation."

Pearl gently got onto the bed, and Lapis instinctively followed. ~We always seem to end up on one bed or another.~

Pearl and Lapis laid in their normal positions, laying on their side, hand clasped between them, Lapis watched Pearl drift into she, her hand going slack under hers. Lapis intrigued to notice that Pearl still had not shifted her stomach. ~Why?~

********************************/

Pearl awoke later, for the first time, not in a panic, she sighed and snuggled back down into the cushiony comfort of her pillow. Her eyes popped when she realized that it was not her pillow that she was laying on, but Lapis' body. ~Oh my gems.~ She rolled away quickly, blushing brightly. ~I cannot believe I just _snuggled_ that part of Lapis' anatomy.~

Lapis watched on in equal parts amusement and embarrassment, ~I've never had anyone rub themselves against me like that.~ she blushed lightly.

Pearl then realized that sometime in her state of relaxation that she had stopped shapeshifting her body, so her prominent expecting stomach as showing. She was horrified and quickly altered her figure back to her flat stomach, draining the energy that she had gain in her 'hibernation' mode, of her sleeping. ~That's never happened before. Lapis must have been so offended.~

Lapis frowned when she saw Pearl shapeshift her stomach. ~Why does she keep doing that? It must be so bad for her body, and energy consuming.~

"You don't have to hide from me you know?" Lapis gently pointed out, gesturing to Pearls abdomen. "I know that it takes so much energy from your gem that you need right now."

Pearl nodded ~She doesn't think its revolting?~

"Why did you think that I wouldn't be okay with it?" Her voice curious.

Pearl shifted to lay closer to the other gem, "I just thought that maybe you would be offended." Pearl whimpered lightly

"Offended?" Lapis asked, she was confused, and a little offended that Pearl would think so little of her. ~Did I give her the impression that I didn't want to see them? I thought that back at the barn when she first showed me that it would show her that it didn't matter to me.~

Pearl glanced down at her stomach. "I just didn't want you to have a reminder of what Jasper did to me. I just, I love them so much already no matter how they were made but I didn't want to upset you. That maybe you think that I was flaunting them even though they caused you discomfort." Pearl shrugged the one shoulder that wasn't pressed against the bed.

"You shouldn't care what I want Pearl, and you should know that I just want you safe and happy, you doing this constantly is going to hurt your form. That's not something that I want." Lapis gently caressed Pearl's pale cheek.

Pearl nodded against Lapis' palm, letting her shapeshifting cease; she breathed a sigh of relief. Even in the short amount of time it still caused a lot of pain and discomfort to hold her form like that. It made to geodes press against each other, making it uncomfortable to move. She could also already feel a gain in energy.

They both stared at Pearl's descended stomach, realizing just how much it had grown in just a few days. ~How long does this even take?~

Lapis finally worked up the courage to ask, "Can I?" she blushed a deeper blue, gesturing again to Pearl's stomach.  
Pearl seemed startled. She had never had anyone want to touch her like this, except for Lapis in the barn. Most on Homeworld had little interest in being affectionate, or even acknowledging that she was carrying, especially not White Diamond. She was a breeding tool, nothing more.

Lapis gently placed her hand against Pearls stomach, she could feel the circular and oval shaped formations that rested inside. "Do you know how many that you're having? And when they'll be here?"

Pearl shook her head, and began speaking as if she was reading from a manual, "They will be gestating for another 2 months of Earth's rotation, and then after I will take about two weeks after they are birthed to hatch, though they vary depending on the gem."

She stroked her stomach along next to Lapis' hand, feeling the hard structures just beneath, "I can't feel them like that, I knew that they  
were there when it happened, and I know what to do for them, and vaguely how to take care of them; it's almost like I have a manual written into my gem. Like know your cut and facet number, or what kind of gem you are when you first emerge. But someone else would have to feel for them, I can't get down far enough to feel them, they hide, and even then it's just an estimation. Most didn't care how many I produced, just what I produced."

Pearl swallowed hard, "You can if you want, it would be good to know how many. To be prepared."

Lapis frowned, "Are you sure? You don't have to do this. We can just wait, like you said it will be just an estimation."

Pearl shook her head, "No its okay. I can do this. I want to know; I've never been able to do this before."

Lapis nodded hesitantly, "I'll need you to guide me, I'm not sure of what to do."

Pearl swallowed, "You'll have to press on my lower abdomen, near my pelvis, kind of hard, and then manipulate around to move the geodes around." Pearl timidly rolled onto her back, moving her tunic up her abdomen so her pregnant belly was exposed for the first time; to anyone's gaze.

"Okay." Lapis rose above her, and pressed her hands gently on Pearl's abdomen, pressing down lightly. She pulled back when she heard Pearl whine. "Are you okay?"

Pearl nodded quickly, "I'm fine, just a little sensitive. You can continue. You'll have to press a little harder."

Lapis kept a vigilant eye of Pearl's reactions, pressing her fingers harder into around Pearl's upper abdomen, "I feel one, um no two, wait three…"

She heard Pearl whimper again, and began moving her fingers away, "Don't stop, you'll lose your place, it's okay I'm fine, I can handle it."  
Lapis looked at Pearl skeptically, but Pearl's gaze was resolute. She nodded and pressed again, moving to another place on Pearl's abdomen, "I feel another, so that makes 4. Maybe 5, I'm not sure; this might just be a big one."

Lapis watched Pearls face, saw her grimace again, she felt doubtful, that maybe Pearl was pushing herself to hard. "Pearl are you sure you're okay? I think we should stop."

"Just do it Lapis. I can handle it, please." Pearl grunted out.

"Okay…I feel another I think, its lower down. I'm going to move just a little further. Okay Pearl?"

Pearl nodded, her eyes closed tightly.

Lapis pressed down in Pearls lower pelvic region, as gently as she could, "I think that I feel a six one…"

Pearl whimpered and cried out, "Please don't. **Stop!** "

Lapis scrambled back, startled. "I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was pushing that hard."

"No please don't!" Pearl started thrashing.

She realized that Pearl wasn't crying out to her in pain, that she wasn't crying out to her at all. "Pearl, it's me Lapis. Please, you're not there, come back to me. No one's going to hurt you. No one's going to hurt you."

Lapis crooned but kept her distance, berating herself in her head, ~I knew this was a bad idea, I should have just told her _'no'_. I knew she was going to push herself, I should have just trusted my judgement.~

Pearl curled into herself, trapped, feeling like she was back under Jasper, back to being violated, trapped in darkness unable to get out. Then she heard something. Almost a whisper, felt like it was calling out to her. 'No one's going to hurt you'

"Lapis? Lapis? Lapis!" Pearl kept crying out. She was sure that it was her voice that she heard, calling out to her from the darkness.

"I'm here Pearl, come back to me. I'm here, no one's going to hurt you."

Pearls eyes cracked open, fearing she would be back in the kindergarten, but instead she saw deep concerned blue eyes staring at her from across her bed.

She sat up, crawling quickly on hands and knees to Lapis. Curling her tall body into Lapis' cling to her for safety. Lapis rocked her gently, repeating her mantra in Pearl's ear, letting her lips graze Pearls gem.

~I've got you. Nothing's going to harm you, not while I'm around.~


End file.
